I’m not lazy — I’m on energy-saving mode.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

My bed is a magical place — I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

Life is short — smile while you still have teeth.

I don’t trip — I do random gravity checks.

I told my Wi-Fi we needed to talk… we haven’t connected since.

I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

I’m on a seafood diet — I see food and I eat it.

My wallet is like an onion — opening it makes me cry.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

Don’t give up on your dreams — keep sleeping.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right?

My mind says gym, but my heart says pizza.

I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

If Monday had a face, I’d punch it.

I’m multitasking — I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Maybe I was born to be wild, but only until 9 PM.

I need a new alarm sound. My current one makes me hate life.

I put the “pro” in procrastination.

My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people know I’m alive.

I run on coffee, chaos, and inappropriate thoughts.

Don’t follow your dreams — hit snooze instead.

I’m not addicted to my phone. We’re just in a very committed relationship.